So this is a bit of a personal post, and one that I wouldn’t usually share. I have plenty of opinions that I have learned to keep to myself, especially when I don’t have all the facts but this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. There are so many posts out there about improving body image and the importance of loving your body, but right now I just can’t. Those posts get under my skin and mock me, point out another way in which I am failing because no matter what I do right now I am not happy with the body I am living in.
I want to love my body. I try my best to. I know I want to lose some weight so that I feel more comfortable. I celebrate my small weight loss victories, eat healthily and dress in the right way to ehance and improve my shape. But when I look in the mirror I still want to cry. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be a super fit gym body, or even a model I just want to feel like myself. Yet right now who I am and who I want to be are two different people. There is obviously a lot of confusion mixed up in all of this, I can see that yet whatever is causing this is making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m sure a lot of you know just how excruciatingly painful that is.
I eat my feelings. A lot of people my age do. It’s what romcoms taught us to do but I won’t blame magazines and films for my relationship with my body image because I don’t think they played a big part in it. I have always been stubborn and I have always known what I want ~ no opinion but mine could change that. I am working on my relationship with food as I discussed previously. I know what you’re thinking: if you’re not happy with your body then change it.
I am working to lose the extra flab that I have. Not hard enough but that is my issue not yours. What worries me is that even at my smallest I wasn’t really happy with my body. I know what shape I want to be and I am working towards that, but what worries me is how I am going to learn to accept myself when I get there. I’m at a bit of a loss when it comes to that. I’m hoping that as I progress through DBT it will become a bit clearer.