I have struggled with mental health problems since I was a teenager. I was always told that it was depression and anxiety, but over the past year as I have done more research into these illnesses I have come to realise that this can’t be the case. My symptoms and what I experience don’t fit into that box. So I have been going backwards and forwards between my doctor and CMHT – until recently.
Over the past week I have been to meet with a consultant psychiatrist to discuss my condition and symptoms, and to see whether she agreed with my conclusion that I don’t fit into the pigeon holes for anxiety and depression. We had a chat about several different things; my past, my present, my daily experiences, my thoughts etc – not all of it pleasant – and she agreed that given what I had told her I didn’t fit the diagnosis of anxiety and depression.
Just like that the diagnosis that I had ignored, fought against, cried at and finally accepted was gone. While I am glad that my old diagnosis has been revisited and I am able to access the right therapies I am struggling to wrap my head around the new information. I am angry, which to me makes no sense. I pushed and fought to get to this point, now that I am here why am I so confused? My rational side is telling me that it’s because I have gotten used to the label of anxiety and depression, I have accepted it and made it my own and I am not sure about this shiny new label – I still need to try it on for size.
A small part of me feels like I have been catapulted right back to my teenage years. I am second guessing every thought and every action, wondering if it is just who I am or down to this shiny new label I am now pigeon holed with. I’m hoping the feelings will pass if I just ride them out. That I will start to feel like the confident, self assured woman I was a few weeks ago – sure I had to give myself a pep talk every so often but at least I felt like I knew who I was. I guess only time will tell.
Have you had a diagnosis change at any point? I’d love to hear from someone going through or who has been through the same as me.